What You Can and Can't Control in Sports

Why we stress over things we can't change

Picture this. You walk onto the field, the match is tight, everything's going to plan. Then the referee calls a foul that wasn't there. You know it, your teammate knows it, the crowd knows it. But the whistle won't be reversed. And in that moment, something triggers inside you.

Blood rushes to your head. You start swearing. Maybe just in your head, maybe out loud. Maybe you wave your arms. And before you realize what's happening, the next three minutes you're playing at half capacity. Not because you lacked fitness. Not because your opponent was better. But because your head keeps replaying that one moment that already happened and can't be changed.

This isn't weakness. It's evolution. Your brain is programmed to react to loss of control as a threat. When something happens that you can't influence -- an unfair call, unexpected weather, a teammate's mistake -- your brain interprets it as danger. The amygdala activates, the part of the brain responsible for fear and aggression responses. A stress response triggers. Adrenaline, cortisol, elevated heart rate. The same mechanism as if someone attacked you on the street.

Except on the street, that reaction might save your life. On the field, it hurts you.

Why? Because the energy you invest in things outside your control is energy that's missing from your performance. Every second you spend dealing with the referee is a second you're not focusing on your next play. Every minute thinking about the weather is a minute not thinking about tactics. And that time doesn't come back.

Psychologists call this "locus of control." Athletes who focus on things they can't influence have measurably higher cortisol levels, worse decision-making under pressure, and faster emotional burnout. There are studies on this. Conversely, athletes who consciously choose where to direct their attention deliver more consistent performances. Even when everything around them is falling apart.

This isn't about not caring. The referee makes a mistake -- yes, it's frustrating. Your opponent plays rough -- yes, it hurts. But there's a difference between registering a situation and being consumed by it. Registration takes a split second. Being consumed takes minutes. And those minutes decide matches.

And here's the good news: this can be changed. Not that you'll stop feeling frustration -- that's normal and healthy. But you can learn what to do with it. Where to redirect that energy. And it starts with one simple question you can ask yourself at any moment: "Can I influence this?"

Two columns -- what you can and what you can't

The foundation of this method is simple. You divide things into two columns. On one side is everything you can actually influence. On the other side is everything you simply can't -- regardless of how hard you try or how much it frustrates you.

In the The Mental Edge e-book, this technique is called "The Choice of Control." Here's the principle:

Look at the left column. How much energy did you spend during your last few games on things from the left side? The referee who made a bad call. The opponent who played dirty. The spectator who shouted something that threw you off. The weather that was terrible.

Now look at the right column. How much energy was left for things you actually influence? Your attitude? Your communication? How you react after a mistake?

When you lay this out in black and white, it's clear. Left column -- wasted energy. Right column -- where that energy belongs. And yet most athletes spend the majority of their capacity in the left column. "That referee is terrible." "The opponent plays like an animal." "Why didn't the coach start me?" "Everyone's watching me." Each of those thoughts is aimed at something you can't change. And each one steals your focus.

One hockey player I worked with had a problem with referees. Every controversial call would rattle him for 3-4 minutes. After training this principle, he got it down to 15-20 seconds. Not because it stopped bothering him. Because he learned to shift his attention back to his own performance faster. And that difference -- from 4 minutes to 20 seconds -- is enormous in a game.

But watch out -- the table alone isn't enough. You can read it a hundred times and the moment the referee makes a bad call, the theory dissolves in your head. You need concrete steps that work in reality. Under pressure. When adrenaline is pumping and your head is chaos.

What to do in practice

Theory is fine, but it won't help you on the field by itself. You need something you can use even when everything around you is on fire. Here are three fundamental principles -- one before the game, one during, one after.

Before the game: ask yourself "What can I control today?"

Before every game, ask yourself one question: "What can I control today?" And pick three specific things. Not general, not vague. Specific.

For example: "Today I control my communication on the field." "Today I control my reaction to my first mistake." "Today I control my energy in the first period." Three things. Clear, straightforward.

Why exactly three? Because you won't remember more when things get tough. You can keep three things in your head even under pressure. And after the game, you can evaluate yourself concretely -- did I do it, or not? That's measurable feedback you can work with. Unlike "I want to win today," which doesn't depend solely on you.

This takes one minute. You can do it in the locker room, on the bench, on your way to the field. But the effect is enormous because it shifts your attention before the first whistle. Instead of "I hope the referee is fair," you're telling yourself "my performance depends on me." And that's a completely different starting point.

During the game: "Can I influence this? No? Next play."

A moment of frustration will come. And it will come, that's certain. The referee calls something you think is unfair. Your opponent fouls you and nobody calls it. A spectator says something that sets you off. In that moment, you have a two-second window that decides whether you get caught up or move on.

The question is: "Can I influence this?"

If yes -- change it. If no -- next play.

"Next play" is the key concept. It doesn't mean "forget about it" or "let it go." It means: immediately return to what you can control. Next sprint. Next challenge. Next pass. Next position. Not in a minute. Not after swearing. Right now.

This is a skill. And like every skill, it can be trained. The first ten times it won't work. You'll keep getting caught on what happened. You'll keep returning to that call, that situation, that moment. But after a month of conscious training, that question will start popping up automatically. And at that point, you have a massive advantage over every opponent who's still arguing with the referee and wasting precious energy.

After the game: evaluate only what you could control

Most athletes tell themselves after a game: "I lost because the referee made a bad call." Or: "If it hadn't been raining, I would've won." Or: "My teammate let me down." They might be right. But what does that analysis give them? Nothing. Because they're focused on things they can't change for the next game.

Instead, ask yourself one question: "How did I handle the three things I chose before the game?"

You told yourself "today I control my reaction to mistakes" and after your first mistake you fumed for five minutes? Then you know what you need to work on. You told yourself "today I control communication" and you actively communicated the entire game? Then you know you're good here and can choose something different tomorrow.

That's your metric. Not the result. Not what the referee did. Not what your opponent did. But what you did. And that's the only thing you actually have control over.

This system works because it gives you control over your own development. You don't have to wait for the referee to get better. You don't have to wait for perfect weather. You don't have to wait for weaker opponents. You work on yourself. Day after day. Game after game. And that's the only path to long-term improvement that actually works.

In the The Mental Edge e-book, there's a specific exercise with a worksheet where you can systematically work through this method for every area of your sport. You go through all situations, identify what you can and can't influence, and prepare a strategy for those moments when frustration grabs you by the throat. But that's more detailed work -- here's the foundation you can start with today.

Why it's so hard

If this sounds simple but is damn hard in practice -- you're right. And here's why.

Your brain isn't set up for rationality under pressure. It's set up for survival. And when the referee takes the ball away with an unfair call, your brain perceives it as an attack. The amygdala fires up. And at that point, the prefrontal cortex -- the part of the brain that handles logical thinking and conscious decision-making -- takes a back seat. In other words: at the moment when you most need a clear head, you have the least of it.

That's why it's not enough to just tell yourself "I'll focus on what I can control." You have to train it. Repeatedly. In practice, in simulated situations, even outside of sports. So that the reaction -- the question "can I influence this?" and the subsequent redirection of attention -- is automatic in the critical moment.

It's like any other skill. When you're learning a new technical element, the first hundred attempts are awful. But after a thousand repetitions, it happens on its own. Mental skills work exactly the same way. The difference is that most athletes train physical elements for hours every day, but don't train mental skills at all. And then they're surprised when they fail under pressure.

One of the most common problems I see with athletes is exactly this: they spend more energy on what's happening to them than on what they're doing. They react to circumstances instead of creating their own game. And when things don't go according to plan -- and they never go exactly according to plan -- they fall apart.

The referee makes a weird call. The opponent changes tactics. A spectator yells something that distracts you. The weather changes mid-game. All of this happens. Constantly. In every game. And the only thing you can do about it is decide how you'll respond.

What it costs you when you don't address it

Maybe you're thinking: "OK, it's not ideal, but I'll manage without it somehow." Maybe. But look at what it actually costs you.

Every game where you choose to spend energy on something you can't influence is a game where you perform worse than you're capable of. Every minute dealing with the referee instead of your own game is a minute where your opponent has the advantage. Every practice where you get upset because of teammates is a practice you take less from.

And this accumulates. One game isn't a problem. But when you do this all season? That's dozens of hours of wasted energy. Hundreds of minutes where you weren't in the mode where you perform best. And at the end of the season, you look at the results and say "it could've been better." And you're right -- it could have. If you'd directed that energy where it belongs.

Athletes who learned to work with control often say it was a turning point for them. Not because they became technically better. But because they finally stopped fighting against things they couldn't beat. And started fighting for things they could actually influence. And that's an enormous difference.

The best athletes in the world aren't those to whom bad things don't happen. They're the ones who detach from bad things the fastest. Because they know that the only thing they can control is their own performance. And they give it one hundred percent.

First step

You don't have to start with anything big. Just one thing: before your next game, ask yourself "What can I control today?" Pick three things. And after the game, evaluate yourself only based on those.

That's it. No complex system. No theory. One step you can take next time. And when you do it consistently -- game after game, week after week -- you'll start noticing that things from the left column stop throwing you off. Not because they stop bothering you. But because you know where to direct your energy.

And if you want to go deeper -- there's a specific exercise where you can work through this method in detail. A worksheet where you write down every area of your sport. Identify what you can and can't control. Prepare a strategy for those moments when frustration grabs you by the throat. It's technique #18 from the The Mental Edge e-book and it's one of the most popular because results are visible immediately.

Tip: The complete "Choice of Control" exercise with a worksheet is in the The Mental Edge e-book: 25 mental techniques for athletes.